I’ve been hearing from many people over the past several months that they are feeling disconnected in their relationships. As I have listened and pondered upon the different stories, I’ve asked myself “What is it that each of these people are wanting.” This morning as I laid in bed meditating – something I do most mornings – it occurred to me that the component missing in each situation is a heart connection.
So what is a heart connection? I believe a heart connection is when we drop the protective walls we have around our hearts and allow someone to touch us on a deeper more vulnerable level. Someone once said that she stopped trying to heal her broken heart, that way she was always open to love.
Those walls are built year after year as we feel unloved, discounted, and disrespected by the important people in our lives – the people we desperately want to love us. When they are unable to get our needs met from outside ourselves we often shut down and push others away for fear of feeling rejected again.
To allow someone in on that deeper level requires that we risk having our heart broken and that’s scary, even terrifying. It means that they might reject our expressions of love and companionship and no one wants to feel rejected. The sad part is that unless we take that risk, we spend our lives wishing for it, dreaming about it, searching for it but seldom able to find it because the walls that protect us are too high and thick. The very thing we desire is the very thing that we are keeping away creating a cycle of loneliness and even bitterness.
In love the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He talks about the 5 main ways people show love: 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Quality Time 3) Receiving Gifts 4) Acts of Service 5) Physical Touch. This is a book worth reading. FYI – my top 2 love languages are ‘Acts of Service’ and ‘Words of Affirmation’.
The problem is that if we are an ‘Acts of Service’ person living with a ‘Quality Time’ or ‘Physical Touch’ person, then often the love isn’t felt because the way we express love isn’t received as love even when the intention is there (or the reverse is true as well). I believe that it’s important to be true to who we are but I also believe that in relationships, learning to express love in ways that our partner feels love is also important. If we are unable to get our needs met in our significant relationships we will search outside the relationship, often to another person or activity.
Learning to express love in different ways than we feel comfortable creates vulnerability – what if I do something different and they still reject me? This is where communicate is important. When we can communicate our needs and work through the fear, then over a period of trying and retrying, we can come to that place where both feel heard and validated.
I want to say the answer is learning to love ourselves but even when we love ourselves we desire to feel loved from someone else. It is easier to feel loved from others when we love ourselves. We are on a life-long journey of self-discovery and love and that creates loving relationships in all areas of our lives.
My Inner Child series is getting ready to start and I applaud and thank the people who have chosen to join me on this journey of self-discovery and love. Healing is not for sissies; those that step onto the path of healing are strong, courageous people and I honor each and every one of us. Learning to re-parent the hurt child is an important part of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to let down the walls that shut others out and begin to heal the wounded child allowing us to feel love and happiness. Is it worth it? I believe so! Sending angels to assist you on your journey.
The significant relationships in our adult lives is one way that we work at reparenting and validating the inner child that feels hurt and unsafe. So often it’s the inner child that is crying for attention in a specific way not the adult and the inner child of their partner is showing up instead of the adult and so we have two hurt children trying to work thru the pain and neither one is able or willing to stop and listen from the side of the spiritual adult.
I hope that wasn’t too confusing. Basically what I’m saying is that when two people are in a significant relationship, the expectations can be high. Then when the inner child is the one trying to get their needs met, it can feel like an impossible task for both people.
We all have the need, desire to feel loved and wanted by someone. Usually that’s a spouse or parent
It’s more than just a word
It requires that we allow someone in, being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means that we risk being rejected by someone when we open our heart and let someone touch.